29 June, 2005

As of late, I've been doing a lot of watching. Before, I spent most of my time pleasantly meditating and grooving to the waves of the Ether. I would stand with my Padawan and whisper words of strength into his ear, but all-in-all, I shied away from the other Jedi that I shared my life with. After observing Anakin slaughter the village of Tusken Raiders, paying no heed to my cries, I faded away. Master Yoda has drawn me back to the ones I love.
The downer is that, though I have a form, the Jedi cannot see me. Others can, like some of my new friends. I had, like, no idea what was up, man. I mean, I 'fused the spores' and baked, like, enough brownies to feed the whole Jedi Academy, and nada.
So I got out my copy of the Handbook for the Jedi Deceased. Seriously, that thing reads like stereo instructions, and like ones for the new fangled stereos with woofers and tweeters.
In the Intermediate Interface chapter on Haunting, it says that Jedi should see the dead if they are in tune with the Force. Yoda is the most 'in-tune' guy I know, and I still scared him when I tried to return his fondue set. He saw a floating fondue and obviously, not me, as he freaked, leapt into the air, did, like, this bounding leap off the wall, pulled out his lightsabre, and that poor old pot was in three pieces before Master Yoda touched the floor. I got an earful. "Older than you are, that pot was! Trained you with more manners than that, I have. Scaring an old master. Lucky, that dead, you are, Padawan Jinn."
So, if Yoda can't see me, something is not right. I looked it up in that stupid book. Okay, there is a chapter on throwing your voice, possession, stupid parlor tricks, and then one on Troubleshooting for the Dead.
If Jedi cannot see you in your translucent form, there could be one of two issues. Firstly, the Jedi could not have the power to see the Living Force. Many unskilled Padawans lack the training to recognise the Living Force in its spirit essense form. If this is not the obvious case, then there may be a greater issue. It is possible, however unlikely, that there is a great phantom menance that is suppressing the power of the Living Force making the deceased spectral forms of fallen Jedi invisible to the existing mortal Jedi. Be this the case, offer your silent support and pray for the living.
That's all it says! I've got a bad feeling about this.
I wish you could hear me Ben. I'd tell you that I miss you more than anything else from living. I'd say that I am proud of you. I love you, man.
Master Qui-Gon Jinn

25 June, 2005

Consider the Spores Fused

Okay, let me lay this on you. For over 10 years, I've been without a body. That sucks. I mean, like, I've got a form out here on the Ethereal Plane, sure, but nothing that I can come see my old mates with. I can talk to them, but that isn't good to do to a 900 year old Master. He gets grouchy. And other Jedi aren't fans too. Mace said that the fact that I can see him but he can't see me is violating his personal rights and that he may see legal advice if said actions did not cease and desist. So yeah, I've not visited him since, let's see, about 9.99 years ago. Narc. I've tried to talk to Ben more than once. *sigh* I don't know what to do about him. Anakin, for the love of Jimi, I can't understand a thing coming out of his mouth! What are 'spinner rims' anyway?
So, as recommended by a good buddy called Fluke, I turned to the Spores. He said to 'fuse' them. This would lead me to a body. And after a few brownies, that is what I did.
First, I visited the Spores masters on the planet Nintendooine. There was a multitude of great masters there. All classics. Not a single Padawan hasn't heard of the great Master Maarioh. After much pasta and meditating, I channeled and 'fused the spores.'

This is what I came up with. That's a problem. What master would take me seriously in those overalls (other than Kenobi; he's got a pair just like them)? Staying like that would mean I would keep that wicked double jump and allow me all the mushrooms I want, but it was not the right form for me, man. They did have some stellar 'shrooms, though, so we traded shrooms for brownies. I went away happy, but form less.
I was directed by the Spores to travel elsewhere. I was led to a dark planet. It was obvious that the Sith controlled much of it. It was called Disney World. Lies covered every sign there. "Happiest Place in the Galaxy." Only the wisest Jedi know the happiest place in the galaxy, and it sure ain't there. I mean, like, they made me leave my brownies behind, and charged me 47.95 for parking. I don't have a car. Parking for the dead should be free. Breadheads. So, wow. I went to this secluded area there, past the Pits of Plush, and Chip'n'Dale's Happy Fun Live Organ harvest ride. I met with the greatest master in that whole sector, Ker-Met de Fro-Guh. He told me of the plight of his people, the Muupits. Once, his people flourished in the land of frankOZ. The Muupets were strong with the ratings. Then a group broke away and called themselves Seesami-Striit. For a while, the two groups lived at peace, until the greatest leader of their people, Jimm-Bi Henson, died. The dark Lord, Darth Elmo took over. It was a dark time for his people, and the Disney Empire enslaved the Muupits. Now they are forced to make bad movies with washed up actors. He helped me channel who he called a 'great master.'
Great master my eye! He smelled bad enough that it made me gag, and I'm dead! The smell reminded me of that time that Obi-Wan lost that jar of mayonnaise that he tried to soak pork rinds in. It was open in the bottom of his closet, and when we found it two weeks later, it proved the theory of spontaneous generation. It was sentient and called Jose. Nice guy, but Jose stunk. So, like, again, I ain't got no body.
Finally, I came home. I was a little let down. I mean, you know, I am a Jedi Master and all I can form is a plumber and a talking trash heap. I had a few brownies. Got all serious. I thought about all my friends. I mean, like, I've seen all of them recently, but it's been 10 years since they've seen me. I remembered the best times of my life, and more than one of the people I visit were there with me in those times. Even though he is a screw-up, I am proud of Ben. Even though he is old and crotchety, Yoda is a good friend. Even though he is a wimpy little wannabe, Anakin, uh, he could whine better than anyone. Mace, he... Um, do I have to answer this one? Can't I mark (e) None of the above? Aayla, she's hot. Like Joni Mitchell hot. JarJar has big ears. And Fluke, JawaJuice, and WookieHobbit, they've only seen those polaroids of me that one time that I was taking a photo introspective of my life because I was really really full of brownies.
After all of that, I found my form.

I went to JawaJuice's party prouder than I've ever been in my afterlife.
Thanks guys!

24 June, 2005


So yeah, this is Wayne, my rubber plant.
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He's way cool and not like a Narc or anything. He was killed by a Sith Lord, too. Palpatine decided that Miracle Gro and water were too much. Starved him to death. Really sad.

Sith Lords suck.


20 June, 2005


There isn't a lot to do out here.
Honestly, there isn't a lot out here. I mean the Living Force is like *everything*, but there is a conciderable lack of shopping malls and theatres.
There are loads of people here. Lots of old-time Jedi. All I hear are stories about the old battles and the hardships of the past. Like they had to trek through three feet bantha poodu to get to the temple and they didn't have all the modern luxuries like indoor plumbing and hyperdrive power cuplings. Their Astromech droids were from the A1-A1 series and were made of clay and and glass and Protocol droids only spoke 27 languages. They didn't that these new fangled "Do-It-Yourself" Lightsabre kits and had to mine the metals, temper them themselves and go to the outer reaches to get the crystals. Back then all lightsabres were white because they hadn't invented the other colours yet.
To avoid the old-timers whining, I've been watching my old mates. You don't need reality tv when you have the Jedi Temple. It is like a bad soap opera, man.
Anakin is the comic relief because he really believes that he is all that and a bag of Cheetos. He is under this incredibly enteraining delusion that he will be the strongest Jedi ever. Uh, yeah, sure, Annie. He'd have to sell his soul for that.
Windu is just Windu. He's always been a kiss up. Like Yoda would say "Jump, I want you to" and Windu would be like, "how high and can I wear my ballet shoes? They are just so comfortable!" He's not all that bad, but he is that stereotypical man that thinks that he is in touch with his feminine side and represses his masculinity. He needs to hang out with me, man. He did for a while, which is when those pics that Yoda posted came from.
Poor old Obi-Wan. My former Padawan really is inching toward the Dark side. You can determine how much food he has in his beard because he weighs himself daily. When he's put on three or four pounds of filth, Yoda gets out the pressure washer. "Drink from the fire hose, you get to!" What frightens me is that Obi-Wan gets all excited when Yoda says that. I think he's killing off his midiclorians with his Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I've tried to contact him, but there has been no reply. I hope he can still read e-mail. I don't want to lose him like I did my first Padawan. Obi-Wan is dramaticaly different than Xanatos, but the Dark Side is the Dark Side, man.
I've been able to contact Yoda, but I don't think that he can see me. I was there and he like did nothing and then I said something and he like freaked and got out his lightsabre and I think I owe him a new lamp. He's like a little ninja whirly thing when he's all one with the Force and stuff. Don't get me wrong, Yoda is a cool cat and can be mellow with the best of them, but man, he is just like on auto pilot when he gets all Force-juiced. When he went up against Dooku, don't tell him, but I, like, laughed the whole time. There is nothing like Grampa getting schooled by a psycho green midget. It was like either he has like a stunt double on a wire or he was one of those really good holograms. And yeah, I can call you that, Dooku, you went to the Dark Side and didn't even bring me back a teeshirt.
So I think I need to get me a form. Talking to these guys isn't enough, because they sure aren't listening. It's really hard to do that blue see-through thing the geriatric Jedi keep talking about. You have to concentrate for long periods of time. You have to remember the stuff that you were taught Padawan. I can't, like, even remember my birthday. So, screw that. I need an alternative.

14 June, 2005

Back stories

I'd imagine that you are expecting a long-winded recap of my life events. I should use this space to wow you with my adventures being a Jedi Knight, my tragic childhood, and my unforseen death.
I'd rather not speak of said things.
Simply, after the time I spent as part of the living Force, my past means nothing. My life in that tired vessel has ended. Now I should concentrate on more important things.
The 'should' is the variable in that statement.
Being one with the Force is like nothing I'd ever experienced. A high unsurpassed by any human experiences.
At this moment, I am euphoric. I can't recall the last time I ever was. It is possible that I had never experienced such a feeling in mortal life. I am one with everything. I am stardust. I am the stars themselves. And it is like, far out.
I don't know if I am ready to speak with my old Padawan. It sounds as though he is slipping into the Dark. I fear that he will leave the Jedi order to become a slave to this 'Walmart.' Nascar and professional wrestling are tools of the Sith. Does he not know that the very Sith Lord, Darth Maul, that killed me, was the Maulinator from the GWOotOfWitG (Galactic Wrestling Order of the Organisation for Wrestling in the Galaxy)? I do hope that he has not taken up chewing tobacco again. There is nothing more horrid than stepping in a gob of warm slimy tobacco spittle. Even with the Force, he had poor aim. And we lacked a spitoon.
But, I digress.
Peace be will all of you children of the Force and the stars and the moons and all that is groovy.