C! (Cybertainment Holovision) Weekly Scoop
Greetings, my esteemed fans of C! (Cybertainment Holovision). I am C3P0, back by popular demand, to bring you vital news pertaining to the most famous and beloved citizens in our fair galaxy.
First on the docket is a piece of information on one of the most well known space commanders, Captain Han Solo. It seems that Captain Solo has developed an alarming addiction to Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s Homemade Super Fudgy Special Spiced Brownies (R). Close friends and co-workers have given C! (Cybervision Holotainment) startling reports about the wellbeing of Captain Solo.
Mistress Leia Organa, formerly of the former Alderaan, has stated that "Han has always been a scruffy looking nerf-herder. Just now, he's like an Ewok on PixyStix(TM)."
The Wookie, Chewbacca, had this to say about his most valued friend; "hhhRRrroWWll Mmrrff rrOWWll. HHHHRRRR!" How apt a statement about such a tragic situation.
C! (Cybertainment Holovision) acquired this shocking photograph of the deposed General showing the severity of his addiction. The contributor informed us that Commander Solo was gambling for a pot of brownies in a game of Sabacc. He had wagered his clothing, blaster, and his infamous 'lucky credit.' As seen in this disturbing and graphic photograph, he was suffering tremendous losses. At the moment of the shot, Commander Solo covered himself with Wabbaboo the Ewok, who was also competing in the game.
When C! (Cybertainment Holovision) questioned Captain Solo directly, he had this to say, "A brownie problem? Ha! HA Ha Ha Ha *blows a raspberry*! I don't have a problem with brownies. I mean, I like brownies. Who doesn't? Someone who smokes Death Sticks, they've got a problem. For them, they can't function without a Death Stick in their mouth. *eats a brownie in one bite* Me, I can stop any time I want to *snaps fingers*. Everyone should have brownies, man. They are uh, ...good. Once you have one, you want another and then you are willing to trade off your pet Wookie and the fastest ship in the galaxy for one. You do know the Falcon does the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs, right? That should be worth, like, twenty... twenty-five brownies, easy. Have you got any brownies, Goldenrod?"
After a rather unpleasant wire check on my circuits, Captain Solo wandered off, a bit dazed and confused.
We, at C! (Cybertainment Holovision), wish Captain Solo the best of luck, and we do hope his recovery is soon, as we would love to feature it as an informative headline.
C! (Cybertainment Holovision) is asking for any degrading information about Captain Solo pertaining to his current lowly state. We willing to offer Sith Scout cookies, generously donated by Little Dookie Baked Goods. You will enjoy our delicious biscuits. Resistance is futile.
On an up-beat note, the Jedi heartthrob, Master Ki-Adi Mundi has just signed on to an exciting movie deal with Galactic Monopoly (formerly Paramount, Sony, Viacom and Underbudget independent Films Inc.).
He will be starring as Beldar Conehead in the aptly titled film, Coneheads. The film is based on the hugely successful skits on the programme "Very Late Evening Weekend Skit Comedy Show."
Our Genosian reporter, Trill Click Warble, was able to ask Master Mundi a few questions before dashed off on some Council business.
C!: Hutt koom hack den keeger *click* nerrt?
K: Oh certainly! I am very excited. I've been a fan of the Coneheads since I was a little cone. *laughs*
C!: Ooba weet *click click trill* narn wooshook bababa?
K: Yes, I am predominantly a Spacesperian actor. I have all the classic training. I've studied under the finest masters in the galaxy, Ford, MacGregor, Neeson, Hamill, Guinness, and even the great master Keanu Reeves.
C!: Kkht oof dippo *click click shimmy* zoobamafoo?
K: Well that's what I really need; a change of pace. I've never done straight comedy before. So we'll see how it goes. I am excited about the chance to 'narfle the garthok.'
C!: Wabajook? Napippa nashook! *click click growl*
Tough luck, Master Mundi! It seems that 'narfle the garthok' means something very derogatory toward ones mother in Geonosian. We at C! (Cybervision Holotainment) do so hope that the 2 days in the Bacta tank heals those bite marks. To the Click Warble family, we are very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your patronage! This has been Threepio for C! (Cybertainment Holovision). (C) Cybervision Entertainment MMXLMMLLXIIVIII+3 Typed in front of a live studio audience.