24 July, 2005

C! (Cybertainment Holovision) Weekly Scoop

Greetings, my esteemed fans of C! (Cybertainment Holovision). I am C3P0, back by popular demand, to bring you vital news pertaining to the most famous and beloved citizens in our fair galaxy.
First on the docket is a piece of information on one of the most well known space commanders, Captain Han Solo. It seems that Captain Solo has developed an alarming addiction to Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s Homemade Super Fudgy Special Spiced Brownies (R). Close friends and co-workers have given C! (Cybervision Holotainment) startling reports about the wellbeing of Captain Solo.
Mistress Leia Organa, formerly of the former Alderaan, has stated that "Han has always been a scruffy looking nerf-herder. Just now, he's like an Ewok on PixyStix(TM)."
The Wookie, Chewbacca, had this to say about his most valued friend; "hhhRRrroWWll Mmrrff rrOWWll. HHHHRRRR!" How apt a statement about such a tragic situation.
C! (Cybertainment Holovision) acquired this shocking photograph of the deposed General showing the severity of his addiction. The contributor informed us that Commander Solo was gambling for a pot of brownies in a game of Sabacc. He had wagered his clothing, blaster, and his infamous 'lucky credit.' As seen in this disturbing and graphic photograph, he was suffering tremendous losses. At the moment of the shot, Commander Solo covered himself with Wabbaboo the Ewok, who was also competing in the game.
When C! (Cybertainment Holovision) questioned Captain Solo directly, he had this to say, "A brownie problem? Ha! HA Ha Ha Ha *blows a raspberry*! I don't have a problem with brownies. I mean, I like brownies. Who doesn't? Someone who smokes Death Sticks, they've got a problem. For them, they can't function without a Death Stick in their mouth. *eats a brownie in one bite* Me, I can stop any time I want to *snaps fingers*. Everyone should have brownies, man. They are uh, ...good. Once you have one, you want another and then you are willing to trade off your pet Wookie and the fastest ship in the galaxy for one. You do know the Falcon does the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs, right? That should be worth, like, twenty... twenty-five brownies, easy. Have you got any brownies, Goldenrod?"
After a rather unpleasant wire check on my circuits, Captain Solo wandered off, a bit dazed and confused.
We, at C! (Cybertainment Holovision), wish Captain Solo the best of luck, and we do hope his recovery is soon, as we would love to feature it as an informative headline.
C! (Cybertainment Holovision) is asking for any degrading information about Captain Solo pertaining to his current lowly state. We willing to offer Sith Scout cookies, generously donated by Little Dookie Baked Goods. You will enjoy our delicious biscuits. Resistance is futile.
On an up-beat note, the Jedi heartthrob, Master Ki-Adi Mundi has just signed on to an exciting movie deal with Galactic Monopoly (formerly Paramount, Sony, Viacom and Underbudget independent Films Inc.).
He will be starring as Beldar Conehead in the aptly titled film, Coneheads. The film is based on the hugely successful skits on the programme "Very Late Evening Weekend Skit Comedy Show."
Our Genosian reporter, Trill Click Warble, was able to ask Master Mundi a few questions before dashed off on some Council business.
C!: Hutt koom hack den keeger *click* nerrt?
K: Oh certainly! I am very excited. I've been a fan of the Coneheads since I was a little cone. *laughs*
C!: Ooba weet *click click trill* narn wooshook bababa?
K: Yes, I am predominantly a Spacesperian actor. I have all the classic training. I've studied under the finest masters in the galaxy, Ford, MacGregor, Neeson, Hamill, Guinness, and even the great master Keanu Reeves.
C!: Kkht oof dippo *click click shimmy* zoobamafoo?
K: Well that's what I really need; a change of pace. I've never done straight comedy before. So we'll see how it goes. I am excited about the chance to 'narfle the garthok.'
C!: Wabajook? Napippa nashook! *click click growl*
Tough luck, Master Mundi! It seems that 'narfle the garthok' means something very derogatory toward ones mother in Geonosian. We at C! (Cybervision Holotainment) do so hope that the 2 days in the Bacta tank heals those bite marks. To the Click Warble family, we are very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your patronage! This has been Threepio for C! (Cybertainment Holovision). (C) Cybervision Entertainment MMXLMMLLXIIVIII+3 Typed in front of a live studio audience.

19 July, 2005

Guest Post : C3P0

Hello. I am C3P0, Human Cyborg Relations. I have been asked by my compatriot, Master Qui-Gon Jinn, to provide a post for his amusing blog, as he is away on Tatooine.
I come to you with current reports on the whereabouts and wellbeing of some rather famous people, on behalf of C! (Cybertainment Holovision).
It seems that my creator, Master Anakin Skywalker, is having a torrid love affair with Senator Padme Amidala, of Naboo. As seen above, the two engaged in a kiss, which is forbidden by the Jedi Council Code 3263827. When Master Reporter Thom Thompson asked Senator Amidala about said matters, she replied, "OhEmGee! Like, no-one was like totally supposed to see that and junk! And, and, and... Like it wasn't a kiss or anything. Seriously. It was like, I was choking on a Rolo. And, like, Ani, being a Jedi and all, he like was all selfless and wanted to rescue me, and junk." Afterward, Master Thompson met up with the Maker, Anakin Skywalker. We wish Thom a speedy recovery after the loss of both of his hands.
In other news, there has been a notable battle between Little Dookie Baked Goods, the mother company of Sith Scout Cookies, and the fledgling enterprise, Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s Brownies Ltd. Our Ace Twi'lek reporter Gabook'Li spoke with Count Dooku himself on the recent accusations that his baked goods are laced with highly dangerous chemicals.
Gabook'Li: Count Dooku, it is always a pleasure.
Dooku: Certainly, old chap. *offers tea and crumpets* Cuppa?
G: Thank you, but no, sir.
D: *waves his hand infront of Gabook'Li* You will have a cuppa and a crumpet, and you bloody well best enjoy it.
G: (monotone) I will have a cuppa and a crumpet and I will bloody enjoy it. *takes a cup of tea and a crumpet* Um, yes, my question. There has been a lot of negative press about your multi-system corporation recently. It is said that your foods have been known to contain MSG, DDT, PCP, THC, and traces of BVD's. What the galaxy is dying to know is, are any of these accusations warranted?
D: *runs his fingers over his beard, looking deep in thought* These current recriminations have hurt, not only our sales base, but also the moral standards of the company itself. I assure you, our foods contain nothing that you have just listed. We use only the finest ingredients in our line of snacks. *coughandsodiumpenthanolcough*
G: What was that?
D: *waves his hand in front of Gabook'Li* It was nothing. It must be allergies.
G: (monotone) It was nothing. It must be allergies.
Well, there you have it! Top notch reporting from C!'s own Gabook'Li!
Well, until next time, this has been Threepio for C! Cybertainment Holovision (not to be confused with any other branch of Cyber Enterprises, Cybernaughts, Cybermen, Cybersmut, or Big Bad Beetle Borgs).

14 July, 2005

Disturbed Force Brownies

So wow.
Okay, like, something uncool and heavy happened. But, I like can't remember what. I mean, like, I had a brownie at the Temple and then everything got really fuzzy. I believe I had, what the healers at the Temple call, a 'Freak Out,' man.
I think I remember some numbers and, for some strange reason, I think I
saw Tahl. It's been a really long time. I mean, she was my flower princess. She was my geisha goddess. I was really bummed out when she died. We were different; she was all into apples and windows, and the kings of Nintendooine, or something, and I was all about vegetable rights and peace.
But, yeah, so, like, when I came to, I was somehow back in my flat and um, suffering from a slight case of nudity. The good news; J.J. is home! So, that's like a plus and stuff.
Then I found this picture. It's of the council, right? I see some Jedi
and Yoda, and stuff. There was a note with it.
"Qui-Gon, You may want to lay off the brownies. Look in the top right corner. That's right, you've taken up a new hobby. Exibitionism. Thank goodness that you aren't corporeal, or you'd be facing a hefty fine for exposing yourself. There are only two copies of this photo. To keep this out of the Coruscant Courrier, start making brownies. I'll be by to collect them later."
There was no signature. But, I remember this time that, well, let's just say, it was summer, it was hot, and Dooks and I were sick of the whole baking in Jedi Robes treatment. So yeah, that one time at band camp.... Well, I didn't care about post the picture. Like, no-one can see me anyway, so how could they see me in the picture? (Except J.J., so like I hope you aren't scarred at the sight of streaking dead guys).
I'm off to start baking anyway. It helps me to think until I forget what I was thinking about.

12 July, 2005

Missing: One Jawa

Tall for a Jawa, but that means that he is like 3 foot 4. Smells like VibroAxe and brownies. Answers to the name JawaJuice, JJ, MasterJuice, Juicy the Jawa, Jabababa, teh JuiceMeistre, and Eric, the Half a J. Likes money, bread, credits (Imperial or otherwise), phat cash, and blasters that are bigger than he is. Totally not uncool or heavy. Last seen wearing Jawa robes, Jawa pouches, size 3 jawa boots, and a Blobby Huttfinger belt. May be armed with a hydrospanner, a Thermal Detonator, several restraining bolts, and a Journey Pak (TM) of Uncle Jinn and J.J.'s Brownies (R). Missing since that day that we spent lounging around the flat eating brownies and talking about the philosophical significance of modern television and pop culture.

Any information please contact our flat. And, like, leave a detailed message, and stuff. Reward of baked goods, or something. Thanks, like, in advance.
QGJ, missing his best friend, man

08 July, 2005

Who I am not, man

Okay, wow.
Like, I am like feeling all paranoid for some reason. Like people are like talking about me. because, there are like these new Jedi that were like little Padawans when i was alive and stuff. Now they like know me by my brownies and my cowbell. Which is a problem for me, man. They don't know the real me, you know? I'm not all baked goods and haunting with nagging. There is more to me.
So, yeah, with these young little Padawan punks and their lack of comtemporary classics, I'd imagine that many feel that, from a character standpoint, I resemble these two the most. You know, weed and fart jokes. Who would read a blog about that? I mean, sure, they are really entertaining, but I get this like uncomfortable feeling when I see they guy in the pansy red booties. Like, I think Fluke knows a guy who knows them. They lack the brownies, but they do have that cool Berserker song. But see, they are really just the politically correct versions of my idols.

I'd bet most of you kids, with your Zima and your Pac-Man video games; your Hula Hoops and your Dan Fogelberg records, don't know who these guys are. And if you do, man, then either you are the far out offspring of a flower child, who must now be all into that New Age crap and listen to Enya and *shudders* Yanni (who is far too evil to be a Sith, even they have limits), or, like, you hung out with all the brownie eaters at the Temple, watching late night Cheech and Chong movies and making runs to Taco Bell. Nothing wrong with that.
But, yeah, there is more to me than the brownies, man. I've just, like, forgotten most of it.
BTW, Han, I am not the Doughboy. Seriously, man, like, stop calling me that and, like, trying to poke my belly, or I'll, like, have to bogart your brownies and, like, totally cut you off.

05 July, 2005

More Cowbell!

Master Yoda still can't see me. He said that I need to give some warning to when I show up. "A little bell, you should wear."
So, right, like, I went through my flat and found something.
This is Bonnie, my cowbell. I got her a long time ago when me and Dooks were recording Don't Fear the Ether. Dooku sure liked the sound of her. We recorded the track as normal and he was all like "it's missing something, old bean." And I'm all like, "uh, like what?" And he was all like "Something classic. Something that gives it a primitive feel. Something that symbolises life. You hear it and think of the eternal plight of the commoner." Dooku did a lot of LDS, let me tell you. So we searched the recording studio and nothing. Nada.
We went out to the streets of Coruscant at the peddlers markets and Dooks heard it. He followed the sound, dragging me behind him, rushing through the crowds. And there it was, man. The Jawa called it a 'cowbell.' It was this metal bell that made this 'clang' noise when you hit it and it had this bow on it that was said to be magical. So, Dooks paid 25,000 credits for it and we went back to the studio.
The initial layout for the song was done, and each section was finished. Dooku wanted a layer of Cowbell. Then another and another. After the 273rd layer, the recording machine short circuited and the cowbell layers caught fire. We recorded one more overlay for the finished track, and if you listen you can here the magical cowbell.
So to make a long story redundant, I've got my Bonnie out. If Yoda doesn't like that, I'll get out the enchanted boat horn we used on Ruptured Eardrums.

02 July, 2005

"Quiggy Starlust"

Alright. All this talk of Dook's and my musical past has really gotten me nostalgic. I Force pulled out the old albums yesterday. Good times, good times.
I do owe my old Master an apology though.
Our roots were very humble. He was my Master, and I his Padawan. He would harmonise while meditating, and as I learned, I followed suit. We both enjoyed the contemporary musics of the Twi'lek Temptations, HuKchuba OooOtha (the Gentle Huttsmen), the Beagles and of course, Elvis. After coming across my journal, Dooku found out that I was a songwriter. We collaborated on a lot of fresh material and produced out first album, A Hard Day's Knight.
It was met with less than success, as it sold no copies. We did give Master Yoda a pressing, and he said that it was cliche, sounded as if it were recorded in the mens toilets, and the art looked to have been done at one something in the morning on photoshop by an amature. "Do, or do not. There is no try. Next time, do not."
Though a bit discouraged, we ignored the grumpus that is Master Yoda, and started on more music. After our first big hit, "Some Jedi to Love," we were untouchable. There were groupies on every planet in the Republic. We lived wild and fast, touring everywhere we could. We had stopped in Kessel to play the Kesselstock concert and things changed. We were introduced to spice and that became a driving force behind our music. We went from thoughtful lyrics to insane trippy nonsense. We went from (Padawans Train) Eight Days A Week to Funky Mr. Moonpants, the Cosmic Jester Holding A Pint of Orange Sorbet (which was 3 1/2 hours of impromptu jamming and giggling).
From that came Quiggy Starlust.
I changed my image from a young mop-topped padawan to a cross-dressing glam rocker. I spent most of my days in a spicy haze. All I can really recall from that time was flirting with some guy called Mick and how bad lipstick tasted. I do believe, as I was going through my own freaky trip, Dooku had joined Hoth's Angels, a swoop club, wore a lot of leather and chains, and nicknamed himself Lord von Kikaz.
After that, the band broke apart and Master Dooku went to the Dark Side. For all of that, I am sorry, man.
The moral of this story, kids, is don't do spice in such quantities that you begin to think you would look good in PVC pants and a boa.