08 August, 2005

Fool of the Dates, or something like that

I couldn't believe it. The face of the reaper stood before me in an ethereal form just as my own.
Fear overwhelmed me for a split second, giving my deadly opponent an advantage. In the blink of an eye, he was mobile, flying at me fast and hard. His double-edged lightsabre was extended with its piercing red glow.
It was with that blade that he took my life.
And again, it was speeding towards me, like a blaster bolt.
I leapt away, bouncing off the metallic wall. It had been years since I drew my weapon, but without hesitation, I found it in my hand, blazing the translucent green fire. Deflecting strike after strike, the blades met with crackling sparks. Though the thrill of battle had run through me so long ago, it returned with fervour. The Force ran through me, controlling my movements, keeping me a step ahead of my tattooed assailant. It was all so familiar. The smells of ozone and sweat. The ground beneath my feet. The chill of death as it threw its gaze at me.
He lunged toward me, with his lightsabre, as I deflected, I was struck by an unexpected Force kick to the gut. I was down, and instead of the paralysing fear I expected to feel, peace blanketed me, like a gentle breeze. The Force wrapped itself around me. In mere seconds, I replayed my life, and, though I had said differently before, there were no regrets. I held not pride, but love for all I had and been.
The spiked daemon grinned down at me with his tainted smile.
The lightsabre went through me like it were nothing.
"Are you quite finished?"
Maul looked dumbfounded. "Huh?"
I breathed a small sigh. "We're, like, dead, stupid. Ghost versus ghost, man. We can use the Force and move little things around, or do stupid parlour tricks, but, like, we're both already pushing up daisies. Like, I buried Paul, man."
He looked like a mynock in the flight-path of a swoop.
"So, what I want to know, is, like, I'm one with the Living Force, man. Years of hard work to get there, too. You, on the other hand, joined up with Han's Satans, got a load of boss tattoos, and went on to work as the number two man for a Sith Lord. How is it that you got Force Ghost status?"
I powered off my lightsabre and drew my robe around myself. I patted the floor next to me, and he spread his cloak out, sitting upon it.
"The teachings of the Sith," he began, in an unexpectedly soft voice, "are all of the acquisition of power. We draw on the strength of raw emotion. When my Master found me, I had already started down the path of Darkness. He spoke of energy beyond my greatest dreams. If I were to follow him, I would have everything." He heaved a sigh. "He offered me all and I thought I was invincible. The Dark Side does not give a person immortality. I learned that the hard way."
I smiled at him, and offered a brownie I had stashed away in the folds of my cloak, taking one for myself, as well. He took it and bowed his head.
He continued, "Never did I learn in the teachings of my Master did I learn the fate of the Sith in death. Civil service."
I did my best to suppress a laugh.
"It's all right. I deserve it. I mean, I was pure dag-nasty evil."
"Damn straight, man."
He shook his head and took a bite of brownie. "If I had known, I'd have followed a different path. I mean, my first job was selling churros in front of the Bog of Eternal Stench. Not only was it hella boring, but I smelled like hideous spoo when I went home from my 23 hour shift every day. "
"Then I worked as a shoe salesman at the Ethereal Mall, in the Gamorean department. Have you ever seen a Gamorean foot?" He shuddered. "Most are colonised by their own unique species of fungus. The others were worse."
My brownie started to kick in, and as his stiff posture began to relax, it seemed that his brownie did as well.
"Now... I thought I was lucky when I was brought in to be a guard for Pizza, but now, I fear that he'll want to get rid of me, as I can't off ghosts like I told him I could." He voice began to crack. "They'll send me off to the rectal thermometer quality testing centre for sure now!"
Poor kid. He was a jerkbag, but, man, rectal thermometers. Even the fiend that shuffled me my mortal coil didn't, like, deserve that. So I preceded to concoct a plan.
"How about this, man? Like, you bring me to Pizza. And I'll act all dead, and stuff. We can both Mind Trick him to think that you are one bad motha' and I won't have to pay him all that bread. Whatta'ya think?"
"I'm down with that. And may I just say, these brownies are wicked bad, dude. Props to the chef."
The brownie obviously was in full effect then. His red eyes were more bloodshot than normal and he had brownie crumbs around his lips.
"So, you crazy diamond," he said, his words slowing a beat, "Should we go now, or should we wait it out? I want some Taco Bell. And a bag of Funyuns. And some Snapple." He was totally tripping.
I started giggling and he joined in. After a few minutes, we calmed down, wiping the tears from our eyes.
"I think we should, uh... what's that thing where you sit there and do nothing and then you go do something after not doing anything?"
He thought long and hard. "Waiting, man. We should wait."
"That's what I think, brother... Want to play 'I Spy,' man?"


At 8:50 pm, Blogger Master Yoda said...

Good for him, the rectal thermometer job would have been.

A softie, you are, Jinn.

At 10:38 pm, Blogger JawaJuice said...

Wow. The secret origin of Darth Maul. Fascinating!
Didn’t he also star in Maul Rats?
Man, that story gave me the munchies big time!
Can’t wait to see how it ends.

At 1:15 am, Blogger Anakin Skywalker said...

I love churros, man.

At 1:20 am, Blogger Aayla Secura said...

Me too!

At 5:25 am, Blogger jedisiri said...

like everyone is taking mace's class...


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