18 August, 2005

Spice Wars : the Quest for more Money

An office. Well, there was supposed to be be an office under the piles of papers. And broken office supplies. And, geez, should stuff have been moving?JawaJuice has the galaxy's finest collection of used tissues. And an Emmy, where did he get that?
JJ was sitting at a big Endor Oak desk, puffing on a cigar.
Enter Qui-Gon, the spaced-out shaggy hippie.

JJ: Qui-Gon.
QGJ: *eyes fixed on the floor* Uh, yeah.
JJ: You know why I called you in, right?
QGJ: Uh, you were lonely?
JJ: *sighs* No, QG. Sit down.
QGJ: I can't.
JJ: Right, sorry.
QGJ: It's cool. You don't have a bean-bag chair, man.
JJ: Let's just get to the point, Q. You know about our product, Uncle Jinn and JJ's Home-made Super Fudgy Special Spiced Brownies. Do you know why people like them?
QGJ: Oh, wow, I, like, know this one.... They're, like, good, 'n stuff.
JJ: NO! *slams the desk* It's the spice! The magical mystery spice! People don't want chocolate, man! They want ether in convenient bite-sized morsels! They want to have Scooby Doo make sense! They want Pink Floyd to be the greatest band in the history of the things they remember! They want to be dazed and confused! They want to pay us lots of money to get that way! LOTS OF MONEY!
QGJ: No, man. Brownies are about peace and love, not about bread, man. They are about, like, finding a moment of peace when your Padawan is off eating crayons while wearing his wrestling leotard, again. It's about, like, relaxing as your effeminate bald creche-mate passes you up for that cushy Council position. It's getting killed by a...
JJ: I don't need your autobiography. What I need, old buddy, is an answer. Are we running out of spice?
QGJ: Uh... No.
JJ: So we have spice?
QGJ: Uh... No.
JJ: Huh?
QGJ: Well, like, we are, like, out of spice. We just have the pre-made frozen stuff, but only, like, enough for a week or so.
JJ: And our supplier?
QGJ: They buried the stale crust in a pizza box yesterday.
JJ: This is a problem. Our profits will slump.
QGJ: Wow, man, it's not about the bread. Seriously, you can, like, have my share.
JJ: Done and done. But that doesn't fix the lack of spice.
Suddenly, the Galaxy's Finest Pilot (TM), Captain Han Solo, burst through the door.
HS: *approaching the desk* Look, JJ. I know that my last payment was a little late, but I'm good for the credits. You know I am. I just need some more brownies. One or two. Just enough to get me to Mos Eisley. That's where the real money is at.
*JJ looks at QGJ and nods, QGJ looks disoriented.*
JJ: Solo. Wonderful timing, Solo. In lieu of your payment, we need a little favour.
HS: A favour, huh? I've got a bad feeling about this.
JJ: Nothing big. Qui-Gon here just needs an escort to Kessel.
HS: Never heard of it. *unwraps a brownie from his pocket, eats it*
JJ: Kessel. The Mining Colonies? The Kessel Run? Your ship was the fastest!
HS: Is the fastest. And this Kessel... Doesn't ring any bells.
QGJ: *whispers to JJ* He's, like, forgotten Kessel. It's a side-effect to the brownies... I wonder if he's wearing socks.
HS: Yeah, I'll help ya'. But I expect something extra, since we're going into uncharted space.
JJ: Uncharted? Extra? What are you playing at, Scoundrel?
HS: Who you calling 'Scruffy-looking'?
JJ: *whispering to QGJ* I think he's a few fries short of a Happy McBurgerbra meal.
QGJ: *whispering back* I got the munchies something fierce. I could use a Big MacBra, no pickles, man.
JJ: That's nice... Han, you fly Qui-Gon out there and I give you um... *pulls out a lunch pail with Scooby Doo on it* This.
QGJ: *looking shocked* JJ, man, that's like, my stash, man! I've had it since I was Dook's little Padawan, man. I keep my brownies in there...
JJ: *opens the lid* Look, Han, filled with brownies. Luscious sweet chocolatey brownies.
HS: *slack-jawed and drooling* Brownies. Yeah.. yeah... Whatever, man. *snatches the pail, clutching it to his chest* Where were we going, again?
JJ: Kessel.
HS: Never heard of it.
JJ: *smacks his forehead, like a good cliche* Oy vey.

9 Comments:

At 5:10 am, Blogger jedisiri said...

i have that lunch pail too!

 
At 4:51 pm, Blogger flu said...

*pout* I wish I had one.

In other news, the *forehead slap* is quite catchy, no?

 
At 4:52 pm, Blogger flu said...

(whispers to QGJ) how can you stand working for that little slave driver?

 
At 8:32 pm, Blogger Leia said...

How dare he give away your stash? Those are your memories, the stuff dreams are made of. Are you just gonna take that?

Forehead slap
I don't take crap
Forehead slap
Shut ya big yap...

 
At 3:57 am, Blogger Master Yoda said...

Need what kind of spice, do you?

Some spice I have that loan you I could.

See, let us. *shuffles through kitchen cabinets*

Some oregano I have. Use that can you?

What else...ahh, three spices here..sage, rosemary, thyme.

Wait, some more spices there are....Ginger, Posh, Sporty, Scary, and Baby. No, want those you do not. Skanky they smell.

 
At 10:24 pm, Blogger Aayla Secura said...

Out of spices?!? Your brownies..they won'r ever taste the same again!

...Find some! Now!!!

 
At 10:25 pm, Blogger Aayla Secura said...

That is, they won't taste the same again.

 
At 3:33 am, Blogger Mon Mothma said...

Oh dear, do be careful, Mr Jinn.

The Coruscanti authorities told me that bringing spice to Coruscant is illegal. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be arrested...

 
At 4:16 pm, Blogger Han Solo said...

*holds up lunch pail, and feels the weight of the brownies inside*

What is thy bidding, my master?

...

*no response from the lunch pail*

*shrug*

"Some oregano I have. Use that can you?"

Oh-ray, GAH no? Never heard of it.

"What else...ahh, three spices here..sage, rosemary, thyme."

What, no parsley?

"The Coruscanti authorities told me that bringing spice to Coruscant is illegal. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be arrested..."

What what what?! Illegal? Since when? Listen, lady, they must mean a different spice. Probably that Oh-ray GAH no stuff.

*Looks suspiciously at Yoda...*

*Aside to QGJ*

(Dude! When did old battleax Mothma turn in to such a hottie?)

 

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