30 August, 2005

Spice Wars : Who You Gonna Call?

We left our heroes in a tight spot. It seemed that Captain Han Solo (TM) and Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (R) were facing up against the dreaded Yatta, the Hutt (C). The Millennium Falcon (SM) had been caught on its voyage deep into space, to the planet of Kessel.
Yatta: Oh ho ho... Uh, chee chee chee. You both are have much hard times in future. Let's fighting love!
Han: This can't not be! Where by we find victoly?
Qui-Gon: All right look, I've been really, like, mellow and patient, but seriously, guys, this is starting to piss me off, like something fierce. Someone start speaking right, man!
Yatta: Meaning of words I give to you with vicareous much emotion. Learn Yatta true mean form!
Han: I did it!
Qui-Gon: You did what?
Han: Meaning Yatta is. I did it!
Qui-Gon: No Yatta means 'fat, repulsive blob with, like, bad grammar, and like, worse hygiene,' man.
Yatta: I teach gleatness that I possess for much time! Taste of corrossal hurt make me you have! Fear I give you, Kawaii-Gon Jinn.
Qui-Gon: Look, man. You're making my head hurt with your crazy talk. Just get on with your 'greatuh massiveuh pran.'
Yatta: Mocking kindness is not. Give you now... LAY!!
Han: *eyes widen* O! O_O
Qui-Gon: Dude, your eyes... This is almost comical... Now, man, let me get this straight. You're getting me laid.
Yatta: Nani?! No! LAY! Give you LAY!
Suddenly, the door to the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon opened. Out walked one bad motha' ...shut yo' mouth. Can ya' dig it? Dressed in his finest court-room attire, this jovial man from the ice planet of Cantantinadia, stood boldly before the two, his hands in fists resting on his hips. He had an unlit cigar in his mouth and a large black ruck-sack.
Yatta: LAY! Who you going car?
Ray: Hi guys, I'm Ray Stanz from the Ghostbusters.
Qui-Gon: Oh dude. Ghostbusters. Major bring down. man.
Yatta: Lay! Get you invaders give hot bullets of shotgun to die!
Ray: I don't have a shotgun.
Qui-Gon made a flowing motion upward with his ethereal form, trying to pass through the hull of the ship. He connected with the ceiling and fluttered back to the floor, like a leaf falling from a tree.
Qui-Gon: What the...? Seriously, ow.
Yatta: Frying no more for you. No escape. N.O. E.S.C.A.P.E.
Qui-Gon: I got that much. Thanks a lot, man.
Han: No! Kawaii-Gon, best fends for level!
Captain Solo stood, defiantly. He took up a defensive position before the moping Force Ghost.
Yatta: Solo. Chee chee chee. For you to look have I got much!
The great rotund keeper of the Spice waved his stubby hand. The doors of the cockpit hissed open again, this time a lonely GONK droid entered. It stepped up to the Captain and opened a compartment at its front. Inside were ~ UNCLE JINN AND J.J.'S HOMEMADE SUPER FUDGEY SPECIAL SPICED BROWNIES!
Han: No! Wait. For me?
Yatta: Consume much as it bring you happy times.
Without considering the consequences, like the heartache of Thunder-Thighs at the weight gain, or the fact that he left the ghost alone with the Ghostbuster, Captain Solo dug in, stuffing his face with brownie goodness.
Ray withdrew a small hand-held taser and zapped Qui-Gon, forcing him away from the brownies.

Qui-Gon: Fascist!
The door to the cockpit slid shut. The Ghostbuster and the Ghost squared off in the open living chamber in the Falcon. Qui-Gon Jinn took up a flanking position near the wall, drawing his lightsabre. Ray sucked on his cigar, pulling out his attached blaster from his proton pack.
Qui-Gon: Do we really have to do this? I'm a pacifist, man.
Ray: I'm really sorry, but do you know what it is like doing cameos at children's parties? No-one told me when I was getting my degree in Spectral Manifestation Biology and Abnormal Spiritual Psychology that it would be so hard to find a job.
Qui-Gon: I hear what you're sayin', man. Since I shuffled my mortal coil, I've been having to do parlour tricks. I'm like so stoked that I've got my brownies to fall back on.
Ray: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to have to snare you and suck your Living Force form into this.
The Ghostbuster held up a metallic box on a long wire. The box was the size of a standard shoe box, with a yellow and black striped panel on the top.
Qui-Gon: *looking nervous* You seem a decent fellow. I hate to have to be sucked in that, like, thing, man.
Ray: Begin.
The two took their stances. Qui-Gon began to slowly creep around the perimeter of the small quarters, holding his ethereal lightsabre fast in his left hand. Ray followed the motion with his eyes, looking confident. He powered up his proton blaster on its lowest level, wielding it like it were his own 'sabre.
Qui-Gon: You are using Bibby's Defence against me, man.
Ray: I thought it fitting considering the brownie wrapper covered terrain.
Qui-Gon: Naturally, you must expect me to, like, attack with Wampa Flair.
Ray: Naturally... But I find that Tydirium cancels out Wampa Flair. Don't you?
Qui-Gon: Unless the enemy has studied Ackbar... Which I have!
The battle wound around as the two continued to exchange attacks.
Qui-Gon: You are far out, man!
Ray: Thank you. I have worked hard to become so.
Qui-Gon: *grinning* I admit it, man. You are, like, better than I am.
Ray; Then why are you smiling?
Qui-Gon: Because I, like, know something that you, like totally, don't know, man.
Ray: And what is that?
Qui-Gon: I'm not, like, left-handed!
Qui-Gon tossed his 'sabre to his right hand with a triumphant smile. He swiped at the air and took up the defensive again. The two began fencing, uh, 'sabre to proton pack low-level ether-repellent extension. Qui-Gon began to show the advantage, moving from hard defence to open attack.
Ray: You're amazing!
Qui-Gon: I ought to be after... uh, well, a lot of years, man.
The two met, quasi-blades clashing, pushing Ray back.
Ray: There is something I ought to tell you.
Qui-Gon: Lay it on me!
Ray: I'm not left-handed either.
Ray pulled back to toss his proton blaster to his right hand. He flashed a wicked smile and began the assault anew. Qui-Gon stopped for a moment in shock, letting Ray take the offensive. With a lunge, the proton blaster blade struck the spectre, wrapping around him like a lariat.
Qui-Gon: HEAVY! Kill me, like, again, quickly, man!
Ray: I'd sooner destroy a mint condition set of 1977 Burger King collector's glasses than a cliche hippie like yourself. However, since I have to do this to get paid...
Ray kicked out the metallic box to the centre of the room, directly beneath where the proton beam held Qui-Gon writing in place. He stomped on the large button on the connecting cord. With a flash of light and a whiff of ozone, the Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn was no more, trapped within the box.
Ray pulled the box to him and held it aloft. A small indicator light flashed red on the control panel at the side. He rushed to the cockpit, displaying the smoking box to his contractor.

Ray: One in the box! Ready to go! I be fast! And he be slow!
Han: No smorking!
Yatta: Chee chee chee! According to pran it goes. Lay, take ship to Kessel.
Han: Kessel? Never heard of it.
And here we leave our bested heroes. One in a can, and the other, soon to be reduced to staring at his hands and murmuring the phrase 'whoa, dude' over and over again.


At 6:08 am, Blogger Han Solo said...

Wow, that was harsh, Ray-man. He was like, my friend 'n stuff.

Where are we going again?

*catches glimpse of his hand*

*holds it up for closer inspection*

Whoa, dude.

At 2:06 pm, Blogger flu said...


And whrat, play terr, wril become of our sprice huntels?

...and, Ray wouldn't happen to have six fingers on his right hand, would he?

Oh, the humanity!

At 5:36 pm, Blogger Jo Jo The Monkeyboy's Ghost said...

The huge manitee?

At 10:40 pm, Blogger JawaJuice said...

You're now a can of Spam?
Does that mean you have that jelly stuff all over you?
That is so wrong!
You want me to get a can opener?

At 4:03 am, Blogger jedisiri said...

spam ham han!

At 9:10 am, Blogger Han Solo said...

spam ham han!

Whoa! That's deep, Siri. That's really deep. You just blew my mind.

At 2:31 pm, Blogger jedisiri said...

O_o did i?*giggles*

At 1:34 pm, Blogger Master Yoda said...

So now, really dead Qui-Gon is, or mostly dead? Because a difference there is.

At 10:29 pm, Blogger Leia said...

That's too bad. :(
Spam's not nearly as good as brownies.

At 12:47 am, Blogger Han Solo said...

So now, really dead Qui-Gon is, or mostly dead? Because a difference there is.

That's true. When someone is *really* dead, there's only one thing you can do.

Spam's not nearly as good as brownies.

O.M.G.! I can't believe I didn't notice this earlier. "Spam" is short for "spiced ham". SPICED ham! Do you guys know what this means?


Seriously, can someone explain it to me? My mind is still blown from earlier.


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