02 September, 2005

Spice Wars : A Fluke of a Victory

The situation still was of teh bad for our plucky heroes. Though he'd never admit it, the venerable deceased Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn was claustrophobic. Being in the ghost containment unit freaked him out, big time. Though he'd never admit it, Han Solo was a junkie. All of the interventions, therapy, and attempts at cutting him off, nothing worked. But I guess the lack of self control and denial just add to Han's already rich character.
Well, back to the EPIC SAGA that is Spice Wars.
Deep in the Kessel underbelly, in a place called Irrational Exuberance, sat the girthy blob, Yatta the Hutt. In his abode, there was little comfort. But an abundance of comfort food in the shape of the galaxy's remaining supply of UNCLE JINN AND JJ'S HOMEMADE SUPER FUDGY "SPECIAL SPICED" BROWNIES!
The pit was quaint, if you like drooling Gamorean guards and the taste of raw baby Opee fish. The decor was all ancient metalwork, tarnished brass and copper. Though, the lighting was left to be desired, with a lacking of strong central light scheme, which left the area feeling dark and dank.
Captain Solo had been detained. He knelt, hands cuffed behind his back, snarfing out of the familiar GNK droid that was filled with brownie magic.
On Yatta's tiny squat table at the middle of his lair, was the small box that contained the spirit of Qui-Gon Jinn. If it weren't being drown out by the sound of Happatai's newest single, one could hear the faintest protests. The box did, however, visibly move.
The Ghostbuster, Ray, sat proudly beside the exalted lard-butt, sucking on his cigar.

YATTA: Lay, Kawaii-Gon lock the box.
RAY: What?
YATTA: Kawaii-Gon, he move?
RAY: Kawaii-Gon? OH! Oh! QUI-GON! The ghost. He's in the containment unit.
YATTA: Moving mush.
RAY: Mush? *turns his attention to the containment unit* OH! Moving! Yes, he'll do that. Locked tight though. He ain't getting out of there without someone manually letting him out by pressing THIS BUTTON. *points to a big shiny red button* Well, I've got my pay, so I'm off to not complicate things further. Thanks for the job, Yatta.
YATTA: You wecome.
Ray exited stage right.
Suddenly and very unexpectedly, as nothing has been leading up to this point and no-one should have seen it coming, not even those who actually were part of the event, the galaxy's greatest Spore Fuser, Jive Bringer, Bantha Shearer, Cooling Bot Maker, Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe, FLUKE STARBUCKER, and the Bling Bling of the Little Kings, Shrewd Business Dealer and Haggler Supreme, the guy who makes Orco look like a goon, JAWAJUICE busted in through the very large front door. Fluke stood heroically at the entrance whilst JJ made his way, surreptitiously, through the shadows, nearing Han.

FLUKE: Alright, Happy Poppinjay! Where's the Spice?
YATTA: Spice?
FLUKE: That's right, Scuzzbucket, the spice. See, I've caught up on the back issues of Liberty Meadows, as well as the past few issues of What Next? comics, featuring the current Spice Wars story-arc crossover that Wizard magazine raved about... Well, it seems that your hideous plan has been revealed to me, Dork Nuggets!
YATTA: What pran of you speak?
FLUKE: It's all here! *pulls out the newest What Next? comic, holds it up for Yatta* The dizzying highs, the staggering lows, and dramatic lack of spicy good brownies, you Spazzy Flubberbob!
YATTA: What you say!
FLUKE: You've taken away from me the things I hold most dear, Yatta. You've captured my friends and held them here, against their will. You didn't try to barter. You didn't listen to the voice of reason speaking something that makes a whole lot more sense than 'what you say.'' But mostly, you gelatinous ooze of a booger, you took away my BROWNIES! And that I cannot forgive!
YATTA: You want spice? You can't handle spice!
FLUKE: Let's do this like respectable members of the Legion of Galactic Heroes, so I don't lose my membership. What do you want out of this, Sluggo?
YATTA: The Price is Yatta!
FLUKE: *looks confused* Alright, screw that. Let's get to the fight scene!
YATTA: Bling it on!
Meanwhile, the stealthiest Jawa this side of Stabbic the Ninja Jawa, JJ, reached Captain Solo.
JJ: *whispering* Han. Han... Why is your head in that Gonk?
HAN: *gobble, snarf, snap* Gone.
JJ: *still whispering* Are you saying 'gone' as like something is no longer there, or are you meaning it as the urban term for 'go away?'
HAN: All gone.
JJ: What is all gone?
HAN: Brownies... I like Pink Floyd.
JJ: There were brownies?
HAN: Another brick in the... thing... *bursts into a fit of giggles*
JJ: Shut up, man! You want Yatta to catch us?
HAN: Sing along, man! We don't need no... something something...
JJ: *shakes his head*
Back to Fluke.
ROUND ONE. FIGHT!
There was an obvious disadvantage in Fluke's case, as he was but a strapping young lad, and Yatta was a metric tonne of flab. Fluke had his fantastic speed and fighting prowess to rely on, whilst Yatta had brute strength and his bulky physique to back him up.
Fluke made the first attack, a Running Flying Jumping Fist, aimed straight at Yatta's mug. The assault did succeed, but did very little damage to Yatta's health bar. Next, Fluke sought to make the attack a combo, but attempting the move, Kicki-Kicki-Tavi, but Yatta blocked with Swatting Fist of Doom. The impact knocked Fluke down, making little bells appear over his head. Yatta slithered in and performed Rocking and Rolling High School, rolling over the fallen FotNJOW. Fluke's life bar was flashing red now, but he was able to bounce back, returning to a fighting stance. Fluke, then, charged up and threw Flukisimo Flaming Flare of Flame. (toasty) Yatta flew back a bit, creating the illusion that he looked like any humanoid would if their flaming body slammed to the ground before he recovered. Yatta reared back and executed the dreaded Gajillion Tail Slap, smacking Fluke silly.
Fluke's lifebar dropped to nil. He swayed on his feet. Yatta hit him with Gramma Gardulla's Earflick of Pain, and Fluke went down.
Again, we go back to JJ and Han.

JJ: Han? Ol' Buddy?
Han: Socks. *his eyes widen and he looks enlightened* There are SOCKS!
JJ: That's right, Han. Socks. Where is Qui-Gon?
HAN: It's all coming back to me, JawaJunkie. Clear as the letter 'k.' And there are musical forms that are NOT Pink Floyd.
JJ: It's 'Juice.' And, looking for QG, dude.
HAN: My mind is so clear and *catches his reflection in the shiniest side of the GNK droid* I am sexy. Distractingly good-looking. Rumpled hair, but rugged good looks. I know what I've been missing, JarJarJuice!
JJ: *disgustedly* JawaJuice.
HAN: *grooming himself in the reflection* I've spent so much time and energy searching for brownies, selling off my crew and my collection of antique blasters, that I've forgotten what is really important to me. ME! Not brownies, or spice, or other things that I still can't remember... I am ME. And I am OKAY. *sniff*
JJ: Look, man, that's great. Really is. But Fluke is getting the living crap kicked out of him by the Lardball that passed the Engrish Proficiency Tests and I still can't find Qui-Gon!
HAN: Fluke, huh? Definitely not a looker like me. Here. *pulls out the galaxy's last Uncle Jinn and JJ's Homemade Super Fudgy "Special Spiced" Brownie packet* Been hanging on to that. Bit over the expiration date, though. *goes back to looking at himself in the GNK*
JJ: *looking at the expiration date* Whew! 6 months.... *gets out a permanent marker and scribbles out the date* Good as new. I just hope that over time these brownies didn't alter their molecular forms to become something UNSTABLE!
Returning you to your Pay-A-Certain-Jawa-Lots-To-View Event!
ROUND TWO. FIGHT!
The battle suddenly meant more to Fluke than before, as he already had the dreaded FIRST LOSS icon next to his life bar. One more would mean something bad, like the use of a continue. But in this battle, it would cost him far more than a quarter!
Fluke flew in for the chance to strike first. He unleashed Spores A'Pourin' burying his opponent in loads of little button mushrooms. However, Fluke had no idea that Yatta loved fungi! The slimy blob ate his way through the cute little 'shrooms like they were exceptionally yummy candy or something. Fluke wasted no time and returned with the Flukisimo Waltz of Mayhem. This normally made the average Glass Joe or Piston Honda dance in some funktified manner, thus disarming them. This was not the case.
Yatta's funky face implant mask dropped from his face and he threw off his cape, revealing the most horrid sight in the history of eyeballs. A Hutt wearing nothing but a leaf. The sacred Yatta leaf. But nonetheless, full huttal nudity. Worse followed. Yatta the globulous began to sing the number one hit, Yatta! He started the dance, you know, the Yatta! dance, where you bend your elbows and go back and forth. He even danced to the Q, Queue part, that creepy singy thing.
Fluke clawed at his blast shield, trying to force it lower. He sought to block out the nauseatingly catchy music and motions, much like a lava-lamp, that Yatta performed before him.

FLUKE: no... How could you use my own powers against me? What shall I do? I can't even muster the strength to mock your name...
JJ: FLUKE! FUSE THE SPORES! *tosses the brownie packet to the fallen Fluke* Eat this, dude!
FLUKE: Thanks, my little helpy Jawa friend!
JJ: I am so going to need therapy... But who would believe all of this?
Fluke tore into the packet, freeing the sweet, sweet, incredibly stale brownies from within. He popped the little brick into his mouth and gave a chew.
FLUKE: GAH! It's like a rock! *crunch crunch* Like a fudgy delicious rock of POWER!
Fluke played something almost like the Popeye theme with his armpit, but with a cymbal beat, so that no-one can get sued here.
Yatta still danced the rhythmic dance of blubber singing with all his gooeyriffic might.
Fluke found that the brownies were indeed special. The aged spice grew into a matrix of tightly bound stoner molecules. These molecules reacted to the sporeyclorians that were a part of Fluke's blood. Together, Fluke became...

...
...
ULTRAMEGAUBERSUPER FLUKE! He grew twice his normal size, suddenly being of the right ratio to take down Yatta in melee combat. The blubber butt stopped shaking his groove thing and went wide eyed.
FLUKE: *in a deep creepy voice* Get over here!
He reached out his recently elongated hand and grabbed the far less intimidating slug by his flubbery nose.
FLUKE: So, Spooty Spooterson, what's the price now?
YATTA: Uh... eep... Very Leasonable.
FLUKE: That's right, Bubba.
YATTA: No, Bubba my brother. I am call Yatta.
...
A while later, things worked out wonderfully. Fluke and JawaJuice negotiated a very fair pricing scheme, broken up into monthly installments with a very nice fixed rate APR for first time buyers. Yatta admitted defeat and his heart grew three sizes that day. And all Han's down his Irrational Exuberanceville, the vain and the sexy, all stared at their reflections in a shiny red button on a box of glexnexy.
HAN: What is this thing? *pushing the shiny red button*
With a blinding flash of light, the venerable dead hippie Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn, was released from his prison of late eighties haute technology.
QUI-GON: Oh wow did it suck in there! I do so hope that everything ended up in, like, this happy ending, man. 'Cause I'm not feeling up to kicking some Hutt.
JJ: It's all good, QG, my man. I'll explain the terms of the contract in the Falcon on the way home.

~CONGRADURATION! This story over! You find happy time in VICTOLY!~

10 Comments:

At 7:19 am, Blogger Han Solo said...

I kept expecting Fluke to take Yatta out with a Hadoken. Those things are downright fierce.

...

*crickets*

See, the Hadoken....you go down, and then right, and then press 'fierce punch'. Down+right+fierce. Get it?

It..haha, it sounds like a description, but it's really instructions!

...

Oh, come ON! That joke is funny on so many levels.

Can someone bring me a mirror?

This is so weird. I feel like I've eaten so many brownies that I've passed through the spice and come out the other side. The sleeper has awakened!

 
At 2:29 pm, Blogger flu said...

Weeee-HAR! A fantastic adventure!

Now comes the time to negotiate MY payment!

Um... another brownie, please?

 
At 3:02 pm, Blogger Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Oh wow,
Like guys, seriously, don't, like, tell JJ, but I think that I can do that 'lifetime supply' thing for both of you.
So, like, here. *offers up a batch of Uncle Jinn and JJ's Homemade Super Fudgy 'Special Spiced' Brownies*
Thanks, guys.
QGJ

 
At 3:28 pm, Blogger JawaJuice said...

Ya, ya, I guess I can go along with the lifetime supply too. *grumble*
After all...we need spokesmen for our product.

Great work! Absolutely hilarious!

 
At 3:35 pm, Blogger flu said...

So, Who wants me to teach 'em to play the Popeye theme with their armpit?

I also know the Mighty Mouse and Inspector Gadget themes, if you're interested.

 
At 5:33 pm, Blogger Master Yoda said...

Highry hiralious, this was!

Vely much, I enjoyed leading it.

Good wolk.

 
At 8:18 am, Blogger jedisiri said...

*clapclapclap*wonderful!

 
At 4:52 pm, Blogger Master Yoda said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:32 pm, Blogger Jo Jo The Monkeyboy's Ghost said...

Howya doin' buauth?

Does this mean that you'll start makin' banana brownies, too?

 
At 7:34 pm, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

6 months past expiration?

Those things don't really epire do they? Aren't they like Twinkies?

 

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