25 October, 2005

I smell bananas, man.

The remodel was, like, more impressive than, like, anything I'd ever seen before. JJ worked, like, really hard to get us this far out flat, man. He took me through and I was just, like, amazed. I never thought that I'd, like, live like this, though I'm dead and not really living, but that's just a technicality.
When I did my thing on Tatooine, I had to face my fears. One of them was JJ, like, letting me go, and stuff. Though I knew that my brownie recipe would keep me around for the money, I still had this lingering, like, doubt. I never understood why JJ saw me, and even some of the, like, biggest names in Jedi didn't. That fear followed me home.
And then JJ did all of this for me, but, like, more-over, he made me his partner in the business. He told me that I was, like, his best mate. He trusted me. It wasn't just about the marketing potential of my magical brownies of love.
Needless to say, I was a bit emotional. I get that way, like, a lot. But not, like, Baldy McBurgerbra, or anything.
I went around a bit, threw on some Pink Fambaa, as per JJ's request, and checked out the pad, man. It was, like, better than those, like, big posh hotels we stayed in when me and Dooks were touring. The thing with those places was that, like, they never felt like home. There was a mint on your pillow and, like, your own personal bar of soap, but if you forgot the mint, you'd have this big gooey blob of chocolate on your pyjamas and the soap would get replaced every day, which was, like, a big waste of soap, because there are Gamorean guards in Jabba's palace who need that soap, and it got eaten by a TRASH-E droid. Wasteful, man. You know? Not like home at, like, all man.
So, right, this place was the poshest of posh (all right, that, like, Naboo palace was the poshest of posh, but this was a close second, man), but it was, like, home. There were holo-pics of me and Ben on the wall. JJ even put up his Padawan tail, which I kept like a sentimental old fool. There were pics of the party at Aayla's. Me, Fluke, Han and JJ after the Yatta fiasco. Me and Dooks titanium albums. Yoda and me at my knighting.
JJ made this place home.
He invited me to poker night, but I said that I might be down later. I needed to meditate. This was a lot of, like, really far out stuff happening really fast. I needed to process it. With a plate of brownies.
I went into my meditation room. It was so cool, man. It was like a door to the ether, without, like, the entry fee. There was this hep shag rug on the floor in the sacred pattern of a Yin-Yang, but it was, like, swirled paisleys, man. Totally far out.
One thing I noticed was this smell. It was peaceful, like joss sticks and something else.
I sat and started in. But there was a disturbance in the Force. In that room. A presence. I slipped my eyes closed.
"Who's there, man?"
The smell was more profound.
A familiar laugh rang out in the room. "Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
I was startled. Like, let's say, if I were alive, we'd have needed the carpet to have a, like, good cleaning.
Out of the sudden blast of fear, that, like, won out over the peace of the brownies, I bolted downstairs.
The guys were still playing poker.
He looked a bit loaded and angry that I interrupted him. "What?"
"Like, I don't want to, like, alarm you, man, but it's, like, haunted upstairs."
JJ stubbed out his cigar and took a swallow of his Ol' Mos Eisley. "Qui, I don't want to have to be the one to break this to you, but, you're a ghost."
I slapped my forehead. "I know that, man. No, like, there is a GHOST upstairs, like, NOW, man." I pointed up. "Haunting my meditation room."
JJ and I went upstairs, leaving the others to play a round without him.
I pointed to the door, but my hand was, like, shaking. "In, in there, m, m, man."
"Do I smell bananas?"
He opened the door.

"Howya doin' bwauth?"

16 October, 2005

Never Turn Down A Senatorial Tag

Oh wow. So right, I was just like checking the mail. And, like, *BAM* there was this, like, letter from the Offices of Padme.
I got Tagged. But, like, she thought I was a hottie, so it's, like, cool, man.

10 Years Ago I was: Shuffling my mortal coil. I think. It's been a long time since I was alive. I might have already, like, kicked the proverbial bucket. Bummer, man.

5 Years Ago I Was: Dead. Ashes to ashes. Funk to funky. Searching for a way to breach the ether so I could communicate with those I left. Watching Ben screw up. Watching Anakin screw up. Watching Mace moisturise. Watching Yoda administer Force Wedgies.

1 Year Ago I Was: Uh, like, see above. Ditto.

Yesterday: Still dead. Spending quality time with JJ at the mall. Seriously disliking the mall and everything it stands for. Planning the renovations on our flat.

5 Snacks I Enjoy Most:
1. Uncle Jinn and JJ's Home-Made Super-Fudgy Special Spiced Brownies
2. Chunky Riddle Monkey Uncle Jinn and JJ's Brownies
3. Funyuns
4. *coughcheetoscough*
5. Don't like say anything to Dooks, but uh, his crumpets...

5 Songs I know All The Words To:
1. Some Jedi To Love
2. We Are the Champions (of the Force)
3. Rebellion Rebellion
4. Sweet Home Geonosis
5. (Padawans Train) Eight Days A Week

5 Ideal Places for Running Away To:
1. The Ether (so peaceful, yet, like, so boring)
2. Me and JJ's flat (pre-FOOF)
3. Kessel
4. Oh, wow, you know the little meditation garden on floor B-12 of the Temple, that one
5. Yoda's pad (with my plants, of course)

5 Items You'll Never See Me Wear:
1. A Bomb
2. A Leisure Suit
3. The Happy McBurgerBra Costume
4. A Wife-Beater Shirt
5. Parachute Pants

5 Biggest Joys in my Life:
1. My little plant babies
2. Mixing up brownies
3. Licking the bowl
4. Eating fresh brownies
5. Forgetting, like, all my troubles, and like, watching Scoob

5 Favourite Toys:
1. My solar powered mixer, that JJ got me, with the removable whisks, so that I can, like, partake of more raw brownie dough with every batch (Oh, like, warning, eating raw dough with eggs and stuff in it can, like, give you food poisoning and a really heavy case of the melfs, so it's, like, recommended that you, like, steer clear, and pass all of it on over to me. The dead don't get food poisoning. Just, like, FYI, man.)
2. That one Lava Lamp that Ben got me for his Padawan Anniversary.
3. That one Lava Lamp that Dooku got me for my Padawan Anniversary.
4. That one Lava Lamp that Yoda got me for passing my Knighthood drug test (boy, did I, like, have to study for that one, man)
5. Super Uber Ultra Mega Fluke action figure with 47 points of articulation and Spore Fusing action

5 Tags:
Flukey Mc, like, Flukenstein
Yarael Poof (We dead folks got stick together, man.)
Commando RAGE (Wow, Rage, like, if you had a brownie, would you be Commando MELLOW?)
Princess Leia (Woot-cha, man! Uh, lady...)
Mace Windu (look, man, it's like a chance to share your, like, feelings with the blog reading public)

11 October, 2005

Braving the Mall

We needed some, like, new clothes. Me and JJ were without our swingin' bachelor pad and the majority of our stuff was covered in an orange haze after spending time at Obi-Wan's. So we went to the best place to get overcharged for shoddy merchandise, the Coruscant Western-Northern Mall.
It was Go'Oorchuk's Day, so there were all these crazy sales. Nothing draws Jawa to a mall like sales. And, like, they weren't even good sales. It was like in the adverts "45% off Scratch and Melted Candles at Quark's Magic Wax Barn," "Save an additional 10% of 1 and 3/4 % of 15% on already discounted fashions by Snarvf at Snoots for Snivvians," and "Free Toothpick at Posh'n'Co with purchase of Dilithium Crystal jewellery (starting at only 2000 credits!)."
With the sales, the parking was crazy. We had this nice one, like, out front, but some jerk in this really posh BMW cruiser pulled in. JJ showed him what he though of him with one finger, and I caught the plates. 'PALPS.' Negative vibe merchant. We had to park in section QQQ4.
Once we got there, after I gave JJ a Force ride on my back because, like, he said that he had to hike double the length because of his little legs, we went in through the entrance at Veers, a big imperial department store. The place was, like, huge, and very militaristic. All the employees clicked their heels and saluted you and everyone was in these awful grey suits with little colour-coded pins on their chest. We, like, bolted through there. I think we had our fill on overpriced appliances, to which you had to, like, buy a warranty, or they'd deliver the stove like on your pet dog. And, like, their clothes. Not suitable for hippie Force ghosts and Jawa business-jawas. They, like, don't carry fringed frocks or flared trousers and their suits in Jawa size were all mauve or puce. JJ is a business-jawa, not a mob boss.
The centre of the mall is this bright and beautiful atrium. It has these glass panels in the ceiling so that the sun can shine through and, like, all this great open space. But it is, like, ruined. See, it would be beautiful, except they let the Coruscanti public in. Not being, like, overly negative about our, like, natives, but, um, wow. Bubbling preppie teenaged females. Check. Several vain guys wearing, like, either Alderaan Eagle or those pink shirts that say "Tough Guys Wear Pink." Check. Some total, like, jerk who is trying out the ringer on his new Commtech. Check. Seriously, there is only so much Cantina music you can hear in butchered bleeps. The Mallrats, who you can, like, notice by their emulation of that movie, Jay and Silent Bob Save Easter. Check. Then, like, moms with screaming baby in the stroller. Check. Why is the baby, like, screaming? Are they hungry? Did mom refuse to buy them the newest non-recyclable Ultra Uber Ninja Mega Power Fluke doll with nine action phrases and 47 points of articulation at the toy store? Are they on fire? We don't know, but all of Coruscant knows they are miffed.
"Hey, let's stop off at Wicket's Short and Small. I need another robe."
I nodded and we started for the escalator.
"When, like, do you think we can move back in?"
JJ shrugged. "I don't know. Hopefully soon. I'm stick of this living in the Sandcrawler stuff."
"Oh, wow," I said. "I am, like, so with you, man. It smells like rotten baked beans in there. Which is, like, a major improvement from Obi's, man, but still."
"Hey, if I could find them, I would pitch them."
There was a voice behind us.
"Oh my goodness, JJ! Who are you, like, talking to, 'n junk?" It was Senator Amidala and her 5 handmaidens. Padme was dressed in the highest fashion, like always, and her girls were in matching outfits. I felt bad for all of them because they looked like pack-Eopie being weighed down by loads of bags.
JJ pointed to me. "Qui-Gon."
"Oh, like, you didn't see the sign? All ghosts must be on a leash. So we can, like, totally see the leash, so we like, totally don't think you are all, like, schizo 'n junk." Her handmaidens nodded.
I sighed. This leash law was, like, really stupid, man. Ghosts on a leash. "I don't want to wear a leash."
JJ looked ahead and suddenly had this look like he got an idea. "I've got an idea! Have fun, Princess!" He grabbed my spectral hand, and we, like, dashed away.
"It's Senator! Geez!"
I laughed to myself, while being dragged. "Senator Geez. Huh huh, he's from Gorf II. Gorf. Huh huh."
We went to Unnecessary Necessities. JJ made me stay by the door and went in. A few minutes later he came out with a bag.
"Ta-Da!" He presented me with a dry erase board, on a hanging rope, a green marker and an eraser.
It was the most thoughtful gift anyone had given me since... I think, before I died. I gave him a big intangible hug and put it around my neck. It floated there.
I wrote "Thank You, Senor JJ" on it.
He smiled and, after I bent down, he erased the message and put on his own. "Do not feed the ghost."
It took me a moment to get because, like, it was upside down. It worked good enough for me and we went on.
After buying a few new robes at Wicket's (which, like, FYI, their stuff is, like, covered in Ewok fur, so, like, if you are looking for something there, don't go black as it seriously shows), we went to Purple Haze for me, which is this, like, far-out store that has an Ethereal section, and picked up some new tie-dyed tunics, a fringed robe, and flared leggings. JJ also got me a new Lava-Lamp. He's a good guy. Said it was a tax-write off as a gift for one of the clients.
"You hungry?" JJ said, loading me up with yet another bag. I had a Force load on my back.
JJ shook his head. "I don't think they have them here... Can you even eat real food?"
I picked up the scent. I smelled brownies. Several stores down there was the Creamatorium, an ice-cream parlour. I bolted towards it, but waited for JJ to make his way over.
"I was thinking something more substantial. Gamorean, Gungan, Thai. Whatever is in the mall."
I wrote on the board "Brownies."
"Fine fine fine. Go get a brownie, you big dork."
I wrote "One brownie, please."
The older saggy Twi'lek lady at the counter said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve possessed dry-erase boards, hun. Next?"
I wrote, "Like, no, I'm a ghost."
"A ghost?"
"One who wants a brownie?"
"Here." She handed me a brownie. "Just take it and go away. I have enough trouble from those meddling kids, I don't need to be haunted on top of things."
I drifted back over to JJ, brownie in hand. "Wow, she was like an unpleasant old bag."
She shouted to me, "Old bag! Meddling kids!" There was more tirade, but I wasn't there to hear it, as we started to the food court. I gobbed my brownie but quick. It was just a brownie. No special spice. Nothing. And it tasted like they added cement meal to the cocoa. It got a thumbs down.
"What, like, are you going to have?"
There were so many choices. McDooku's, Antillies Fried Mynock, Greedo's Pizza, Imperial Burger, and E-Wok. We checked the menu at McDooku's. It was funny to see the face of my old Master as the new spokes-Sith-Lord for greasy fried fast food. See, McDooku's offers an assortment of foods deep fried to mask the taste. McTauntaun Nuggets (I'm scared to ask if they are from the Tauntaun or from the Tauntaun), 'chips' (no-one really knows what they are chips of), McFillet of FishFace (I fear that it's, like, Mon Calamarian, but the reports have been unconfirmed). As I was concerned about JJ's well-being, I told him to avoid McDooku's all together.
"This is Obi-Wan's favourite restaurant," I said, and that convinced him.
With that we moved onto Antillies Fried Mynock. JJ ordered a container of popcorn mynock and we had a seat in the dining section.
Like, the dining section would be cool, but there was this, like, dramatic lack of space, especially for an invisible ghost carrying loads of bags and wearing a dry-erase board. We finally found a seat parked between screaming baby (FYI, this one was not on fire) and some really loud bread-head businessman talking on his Commtech loud enough to be heard over squalling daemon child.
I drew pictures on my board to keep JJ entertained as he wolfed down his mynock.
Once he was done, we stopped at the Little Jawa's room and went on to the Decor Store. We picked out load of stuff for the new flat, but, like, I won't tell you about it until, like, it's done, man.
We decided it was, like, time to go, go JJ loaded me up, and sat on top on the way back to the Sandcrawler. That got some looks. We went in, dumped our new acquisitions and drove back to the Temple Parking Garage.
Like, all in all, other than I, like, think that the mall is a pit of greed and, like, filled with customers who are like really heavy bread-heads, it was, like, a good day, man.