11 October, 2005

Braving the Mall

We needed some, like, new clothes. Me and JJ were without our swingin' bachelor pad and the majority of our stuff was covered in an orange haze after spending time at Obi-Wan's. So we went to the best place to get overcharged for shoddy merchandise, the Coruscant Western-Northern Mall.
It was Go'Oorchuk's Day, so there were all these crazy sales. Nothing draws Jawa to a mall like sales. And, like, they weren't even good sales. It was like in the adverts "45% off Scratch and Melted Candles at Quark's Magic Wax Barn," "Save an additional 10% of 1 and 3/4 % of 15% on already discounted fashions by Snarvf at Snoots for Snivvians," and "Free Toothpick at Posh'n'Co with purchase of Dilithium Crystal jewellery (starting at only 2000 credits!)."
With the sales, the parking was crazy. We had this nice one, like, out front, but some jerk in this really posh BMW cruiser pulled in. JJ showed him what he though of him with one finger, and I caught the plates. 'PALPS.' Negative vibe merchant. We had to park in section QQQ4.
Once we got there, after I gave JJ a Force ride on my back because, like, he said that he had to hike double the length because of his little legs, we went in through the entrance at Veers, a big imperial department store. The place was, like, huge, and very militaristic. All the employees clicked their heels and saluted you and everyone was in these awful grey suits with little colour-coded pins on their chest. We, like, bolted through there. I think we had our fill on overpriced appliances, to which you had to, like, buy a warranty, or they'd deliver the stove like on your pet dog. And, like, their clothes. Not suitable for hippie Force ghosts and Jawa business-jawas. They, like, don't carry fringed frocks or flared trousers and their suits in Jawa size were all mauve or puce. JJ is a business-jawa, not a mob boss.
The centre of the mall is this bright and beautiful atrium. It has these glass panels in the ceiling so that the sun can shine through and, like, all this great open space. But it is, like, ruined. See, it would be beautiful, except they let the Coruscanti public in. Not being, like, overly negative about our, like, natives, but, um, wow. Bubbling preppie teenaged females. Check. Several vain guys wearing, like, either Alderaan Eagle or those pink shirts that say "Tough Guys Wear Pink." Check. Some total, like, jerk who is trying out the ringer on his new Commtech. Check. Seriously, there is only so much Cantina music you can hear in butchered bleeps. The Mallrats, who you can, like, notice by their emulation of that movie, Jay and Silent Bob Save Easter. Check. Then, like, moms with screaming baby in the stroller. Check. Why is the baby, like, screaming? Are they hungry? Did mom refuse to buy them the newest non-recyclable Ultra Uber Ninja Mega Power Fluke doll with nine action phrases and 47 points of articulation at the toy store? Are they on fire? We don't know, but all of Coruscant knows they are miffed.
"Hey, let's stop off at Wicket's Short and Small. I need another robe."
I nodded and we started for the escalator.
"When, like, do you think we can move back in?"
JJ shrugged. "I don't know. Hopefully soon. I'm stick of this living in the Sandcrawler stuff."
"Oh, wow," I said. "I am, like, so with you, man. It smells like rotten baked beans in there. Which is, like, a major improvement from Obi's, man, but still."
"Hey, if I could find them, I would pitch them."
There was a voice behind us.
"Oh my goodness, JJ! Who are you, like, talking to, 'n junk?" It was Senator Amidala and her 5 handmaidens. Padme was dressed in the highest fashion, like always, and her girls were in matching outfits. I felt bad for all of them because they looked like pack-Eopie being weighed down by loads of bags.
JJ pointed to me. "Qui-Gon."
"Oh, like, you didn't see the sign? All ghosts must be on a leash. So we can, like, totally see the leash, so we like, totally don't think you are all, like, schizo 'n junk." Her handmaidens nodded.
I sighed. This leash law was, like, really stupid, man. Ghosts on a leash. "I don't want to wear a leash."
JJ looked ahead and suddenly had this look like he got an idea. "I've got an idea! Have fun, Princess!" He grabbed my spectral hand, and we, like, dashed away.
"It's Senator! Geez!"
I laughed to myself, while being dragged. "Senator Geez. Huh huh, he's from Gorf II. Gorf. Huh huh."
We went to Unnecessary Necessities. JJ made me stay by the door and went in. A few minutes later he came out with a bag.
"Ta-Da!" He presented me with a dry erase board, on a hanging rope, a green marker and an eraser.
It was the most thoughtful gift anyone had given me since... I think, before I died. I gave him a big intangible hug and put it around my neck. It floated there.
I wrote "Thank You, Senor JJ" on it.
He smiled and, after I bent down, he erased the message and put on his own. "Do not feed the ghost."
It took me a moment to get because, like, it was upside down. It worked good enough for me and we went on.
After buying a few new robes at Wicket's (which, like, FYI, their stuff is, like, covered in Ewok fur, so, like, if you are looking for something there, don't go black as it seriously shows), we went to Purple Haze for me, which is this, like, far-out store that has an Ethereal section, and picked up some new tie-dyed tunics, a fringed robe, and flared leggings. JJ also got me a new Lava-Lamp. He's a good guy. Said it was a tax-write off as a gift for one of the clients.
"You hungry?" JJ said, loading me up with yet another bag. I had a Force load on my back.
JJ shook his head. "I don't think they have them here... Can you even eat real food?"
I picked up the scent. I smelled brownies. Several stores down there was the Creamatorium, an ice-cream parlour. I bolted towards it, but waited for JJ to make his way over.
"I was thinking something more substantial. Gamorean, Gungan, Thai. Whatever is in the mall."
I wrote on the board "Brownies."
"Fine fine fine. Go get a brownie, you big dork."
I wrote "One brownie, please."
The older saggy Twi'lek lady at the counter said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve possessed dry-erase boards, hun. Next?"
I wrote, "Like, no, I'm a ghost."
"A ghost?"
"One who wants a brownie?"
"Here." She handed me a brownie. "Just take it and go away. I have enough trouble from those meddling kids, I don't need to be haunted on top of things."
I drifted back over to JJ, brownie in hand. "Wow, she was like an unpleasant old bag."
She shouted to me, "Old bag! Meddling kids!" There was more tirade, but I wasn't there to hear it, as we started to the food court. I gobbed my brownie but quick. It was just a brownie. No special spice. Nothing. And it tasted like they added cement meal to the cocoa. It got a thumbs down.
"What, like, are you going to have?"
There were so many choices. McDooku's, Antillies Fried Mynock, Greedo's Pizza, Imperial Burger, and E-Wok. We checked the menu at McDooku's. It was funny to see the face of my old Master as the new spokes-Sith-Lord for greasy fried fast food. See, McDooku's offers an assortment of foods deep fried to mask the taste. McTauntaun Nuggets (I'm scared to ask if they are from the Tauntaun or from the Tauntaun), 'chips' (no-one really knows what they are chips of), McFillet of FishFace (I fear that it's, like, Mon Calamarian, but the reports have been unconfirmed). As I was concerned about JJ's well-being, I told him to avoid McDooku's all together.
"This is Obi-Wan's favourite restaurant," I said, and that convinced him.
With that we moved onto Antillies Fried Mynock. JJ ordered a container of popcorn mynock and we had a seat in the dining section.
Like, the dining section would be cool, but there was this, like, dramatic lack of space, especially for an invisible ghost carrying loads of bags and wearing a dry-erase board. We finally found a seat parked between screaming baby (FYI, this one was not on fire) and some really loud bread-head businessman talking on his Commtech loud enough to be heard over squalling daemon child.
I drew pictures on my board to keep JJ entertained as he wolfed down his mynock.
Once he was done, we stopped at the Little Jawa's room and went on to the Decor Store. We picked out load of stuff for the new flat, but, like, I won't tell you about it until, like, it's done, man.
We decided it was, like, time to go, go JJ loaded me up, and sat on top on the way back to the Sandcrawler. That got some looks. We went in, dumped our new acquisitions and drove back to the Temple Parking Garage.
Like, all in all, other than I, like, think that the mall is a pit of greed and, like, filled with customers who are like really heavy bread-heads, it was, like, a good day, man.


At 3:15 am, Blogger jedisiri said...

bread-heads...mmm it sounds attractive.

At 12:43 pm, Blogger Chancellor Palpatine said...

Sorry about that parking situation boys. I was in a hurry to get some skin-care products.

At 1:14 pm, Blogger Master Yoda said...

Very tasty, the Mesquite Bantha Wings at Antilles Fried Mynock are.

Most disturbing item on the McDooku's menu: Chocolate Chip Wookiees

At 11:09 pm, Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I went to Veers once to buy medals for my uniform. Turns out I bought a Kit Kat bar.

At 11:58 pm, Blogger Adi Gallia said...

Never go to E-Wok. All of the employees refuse to were hair nets and the food has a covering of fur over it. Not pleasent going down.

At 6:17 pm, Blogger flu said...

Why is the baby, like, screaming?

Well, if the kid had the newest non-recyclable Ultra Uber Ninja Mega Power Fluke doll with nine action phrases and 47 points of articulation... he may have had his hand in the wrong place when he pushed the patented *forehead slap* button.

That thing packs too much of a whallop.

At 2:32 am, Blogger Leia said...

Maybe it'd be easier to just steal a brownie.

lol, great post.

At 2:47 pm, Blogger JawaJuice said...

I had a great time too, ol buddy.


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