C! (Cybertainment Holovision) Trial of the Time Period
Yes, that's right, my lovely friends, this is C-3P0, with the triumphant return of C!, Cybertainment Holovision. I'm here in Coruscant bringing you the Trial of the Time Period, the brownie mogul, Qui-Gon Jinn, and the sweet snack purveyor and Sith, Count Dooku, battling it out, to save themselves from a lifetime in prison, or worse.
If you don't know the story thus far, which is understandable since you didn't have C! Cybertainment Holovision to bring you the scoops, I'll regale it to you now, in my particular, dramatic, over-acted idiom.
Master Dooku, the Count of Serenno, aka Darth Tyranus, was sent to stay with JawaJuice, the JJ part of Uncle Jinn and JJ's Brownies, and Qui-Gon, the deceased Jedi Master and spiced brownie entrepreneur, after JJ lost a very important poker game.
During this game, Qui-Gon came across the ghost of Jo Jo, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's sidekick Monkey-boy, who had passed on a short time prior. After guiding him to the Second Banana Heaven, Qui-Gon returned to find his former Master living in his home! He fled back to Second Banana Heaven, where he stayed for over a month.
He returned home and the Master and his former Padawan reconciled their differences. The two began work on a new album.
After they finished one of their new songs, to which several record execs, who downloaded a bootleg off the Creamy Gnutella P-2-P-2 network, say is simply wonderful, the Coruscanti local Police burst in with a warrant for their arrest, as well as a search warrant.
We bring you the final chapter in the Trial of the Time Period!
"Will you just listen?" The elder Sith Master glared at the apparition before him. Dooku's fists were balled at his sides and his jaw was clenched, set in a frown.
The ghostly Monkey-boy simply smiled, his playful grin shown no fear. "Why are ya' worried, boss? I can lick 'em, no problem!" He wagged his tongue.
Dooku scrubbed his hand over his face, letting his fingers rest on his beard. He shook visibly. His eyes were filled with a mix of anger and fear. "I don't believe all of this." Sitting heavily on his cot, he reached to his side to grab the dulled metal box.
There was a faint tap.
"It is hopeless," Dooku said, shaking his head and absently stroking the container.
"It's never hopeless when you've got a Monkey-boy on your side!" The ghost began to rustle through papers in a manilla folder. "I've got it all figured out. You just need to follow me! Hoo hoo ha ha!"
Suddenly snapping, the elder stood, letting the box clatter to the floor. His eyes ablaze, he turned to the spectre, reaching out his strained manacled hands. "Look, you silly sod! We'll be put away forever if you botch this up! I'll spend my last few years in a wig as a b!* to Big Kowalski!" He looked manic, beginning to pace like a caged animal. "I know that I look good with long hair, old chap, but this is not what I had ever intended. I didn't even perpetrate this crime! My Master simply tired of me and pushed me aside, and this not even being the first time, as the Jedi Council excelled in that. I drove my Padawan away to the Nether World, and now I'm here, desperately grasping my soap in one hand and trying to hold onto the tattered vestiges of my fleeting sanity in the other!" He clenched both fists dramatically. "I have no faith in you and none in the Force, abandoning me here in this pit. I am..."
He was interrupted by a loud clanking sound coming from the box at his feet. The sound repeated once, twice, and after the third, all was silent.
Dooku looked down, sadness drooping his features, as he scooped up the box. "I'm sorry."
Jo Jo looked hurt as he spoke. "You don't think I can do this, bwauth?"
Dooku sat again, and shook his head. "My hope is gone. You might as well leave me to my fate."
The Monkey-boy knelt, coming into the melancholy Master's view. "This isn't about you. Hoo hoo." His laugh was flat. "This is about my buddy in the box. He did me a favour, Dooks, and I owes him one."
The Master absently ran his thumb over the lid. He knew how awful it was out here, away from the Force, away from the simple mundane pleasures of day to day. However, he had no idea what his former Padawan was experiencing. He simply imagined the worst a thousand times a night. He could tolerate life without the Force, but for Qui-Gon, the Force was the only life he could have.
Dooku sighed and looked at the ghost. "It is just hard to believe that you could be a barrister."
"What's a barrister?" Jo Jo asked, beaming.
Dooku scrubbed his face again.
"Just kidding. Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha! It's a fantastic story, bwauth. I didn't even know nothing about law or lawyers or judges or bananas... Well, I know bananas, but not the legal aspects of them, and so..."
"Right, well, I was watching Farming with Celebrities, with that one guy from that one show with the gold chains and the attitude and the butt kicking and hoo hoo, and he was paired up with this lawyer from Bent Armpit, Dantooine. Well, they started talking and I knew that lawyers were smart people with suits and ties and briefcases full of papers with words on them. Something told me to be a lawyer. Something said, 'Jo Jo, you should be spouting legalese and would look good in navy.'"
Dooku examined his fingernails. "How did you become a barrister?"
"Well," the animated ghost began, "I talked to Janine Melnitz and she said I had to pass the Bar Exam. Hoo hoo. So, I found this place to study for monkeys called 'Monkey Bars' and..."
"Wait a bloody minute. Stop the blog!"
Jo Jo looks to Dooku in shock. "You, you can't do that!"
"Yes, I bloody well can, my good man." He turns to face you, the reader, his dark eyebrows quirked, pointing a finger in your direction. "Listen! I think I've been a rather good sport through all of this, but even I have my limits. There are puns that are just far too awful, and that, my dear friends, is one of them. I am a man of honour. I've had a part in every major Spacepearean production of Sorenno, for Sith sakes!"
Jo Jo tries as he might to settle Dooku, waving his hands and making shushing noises. "It could be worse. Things could be all serious again."
"I don't understand that at all. Everyone has a level of humour in their blogs, and things around these parts have gone from occasionally funny to drab and depressing. When the author returned from hiatus, suddenly, things were serious, as if we had gone from casual blogging to angst competition fan fiction overnight. I think that my part in Qui-Gon's Survivor dream was powerful and well written. As of now, I am playing bit parts to a man in a can."
The box taps.
Jo Jo smiles, nodding. "That Survivor thing was really good. But, hoo hoo, you have to take into account that, for the writer, that piece of writing was so good that any attempts past that seem flat."
Dooku nods, rubbing his beard. "Have you noticed," he says, turning to Jo Jo, "that Qui-Gon's blog has gone from a narrative style to a novella approach?"
"I like it," the ghost says, smiling. "It's more detailed. Shows more stuff, you know? Ha ha?"
Dooku shakes his head. "Yes, but, the writer runs sentences on too long. They just try to cram too much in."
Sudden obnoxious tapping is loud, bouncing the container on the bed.
"Yes, yes," says the Elder, "we hear you." He sighs. "Do I really have to do this? I mean, I'm running without a script here and I haven't a clue what my motivation is." He dramatically rubs his forehead.
Jo Jo gives Dooku a toothy smile. "Like I said, hoo hoo, just follow my lead, I've read the script. I know what I am doing. Just trust me, bwauth."
"Count Dooku, please take the stand." Jo Jo had summoned the prisoner.
The trial thus far was very straightforward, giving the abstract of record, stating what was common knowledge. The confiscated spice was shown as evidence, and no-one had found any records of a permit for said spice.
Dooku heeded the call, and sat before the court, the lights shining off the sheen of sweat on his forehead.
Jo Jo approached the bench, holding out a book, the Separatist Code, written by Dooku himself.
The prisoner laid his left and on the book and rose his right.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Force?" Jo Jo's manner was very professional, and it came as an empowering shock to the Sith.
"Please be seated."
Dooku did so.
"Please state your name for the court." Jo Jo held a file in one hand.
"Count Dooku of Serenno."
The ghost looked at the file and back at the man before him. "You're missing something there. Please state your full and complete name."
He sighed. "Count Jard Dooku."
Subtle snickering could be heard in the audience.
"Okay, Jard," Jo Jo began...
Dooku interrupted the monkey-boy, raising his hand. "Please call me Darth Tyranus."
"No-one calls you Darth Tyranus, Jard. Hoo hoo." After the giggles in the audience had subsisted, Jo Jo continued. He held up a picture of a Ithorian female. "Do you know who this is?"
He pointed, saying, "That's Rhonda."
"And how is it that you know her?"
"I met her at Watto's when we were on Tatooine with Survivor in its early days. She was trying to seduce this rich old git to get his money. He had spurned her advances, but it was such a display of greed and lack of concern for others well-being, that I was just drawn to her. We chatted casually, yet parted when I had to leave to rejoin the cast. Later, when I came to stay with JawaJuice, I found that she had wed him whilst he was inebriated. I had foiled her little game and soon after, the two divorced."
Jo Jo rubbed his stuffed spectral hands together. "Sounds like they didn't leave on good terms."
Jard shook his head. "They did not," he said.
Jo Jo looked at his paperwork again. "It says here that you phoned Frick and Frack for assistance. What did you talk to them about?"
"We spoke about acquiring JawaJuice's copy of the spice permit."
Jo Jo nodded, looking surprised. He turned round to the audience, gazing at the two F.O.O.F.ers. "Frick and Frack, will you please bring the permit up here?"
The light of hope sparked in Dooku's eyes, as the two F.O.O.F'ers made their way up to stand before the Judge. Frick's hands here cupped together, obviously holding something.
He emptied a hand full of ash onto the Judge's desk.
Scowling, the Judge adjusted his spectacles, closely observing the pile of charred mess on his pristine banc. He jabbed at it with the end of his gavel.
Fear flashed in Jo Jo's spectral eyes. "What happened, guys?"
"Arrgh! I'm a pirate!" Frack said, flexing his non-existent muscles and squinting.
"Well, we started to..." Frick began.
He was interrupted by Frack. "Speak not! We can no understand you! You must speak... Like Fluke! As a pirate!"
The Judge's eyes widened and his face went red. He extended his right index finger and rose it, unblinking. He inhaled. "Do you realise that this is a court of law, counsel?" His tone stoked and blazed like a roaring fire. "If you do not cease and desist this freak show, I will hold you all in contempt! My decree will send your client to the lowest levels of the Coruscanti Detention Centre and his ethereal friend to an exorcist! The plaintiff has shown preponderance of evidence, as they have 18 kilos of unprocessed spice and you have given us a pile of ash." His glare bounced around to those before the court. "Carry on."
And carry on they did. Hours of amazing testimony and rebuttals. Some of the finest courtroom drama this droid has ever seen.
However, you just have to believe me on this, as we are getting close to time, and Pimp My Droid is coming up next.
The final court decision, you ask? Well, of course, Qui-Gon and Dooku were exculpated. Things would get rather boring around here if Qui-Gon were to remain tinned. However, Dooku in a saucy story of surviving day to day in a prison. A harrowing tale of him holding onto the soap.
* * *
Oh my! It seems that the ratings did a bit of a slump there. I assure you that, as he has been freed, there will be no disturbing bathing scenes of Dooku on the airwaves any time soon.
How did Jo Jo win the case, you ask. Simple, my friends. All of this was a premeditated attempt at revenge by Rhonda, JawaJuice's ex-wife. She was looking to have both JJ and Dooku imprisoned, yet, she did not take into account that JJ had gone on to do the Big Brother programme and that Qui-Gon was nabbed as well. She had gone through the trouble of getting a job at the Coruscanti Legal Records facility. There, she disposed of the original documentation for the Spice Permit and proceeded to tip off the local authorities about the occupation of the Brownie moguls. She didn't take into account that there was another copy of the permit that JJ carried with him.
'Jard' Dooku contacted the F.O.O.F.ers and had the attempt to recover the document. They destroyed it, but there was a single copy made when Qui-Gon and JJ went to Kessel, which was kept on file at Yatta the Hutt's place of business.
With this, Jo Jo cleared our favourite hippie and posh Sith gentleman.
We were able to catch up with them after the trial and Dooku had this to say, "It feels wonderful to be free of the Force restricting manacles." *rubs his wrists, slowly clenching a fist* "I do hope that there will be very little repercussions from our litigation. I feel that people will hold true and not follow the slander that has so recently been published about my incarceration. Mostly, I do hope that Rhonda lives long and prospers."
Sadly, Rhonda le'Bitka died, soon after the trial let out, of asphyxiation. It was believed that she had inhaled a hard piece of candy and choked, but no evidence was found. She was 37.
We were fortunate enough to be there when ethereal master, Qui-Gon Jinn, was released from the 'Ghost Trap' by Egon Spangler, heartthrob of the Ghostbusters fame.
Pan out, showing outside of Court-house, crowd parted and retained by navy robed Senate Guards. Dooku and Jo Jo standing on left side, looking on. Egon with blinking trap.
Pan in. Egon setting out trap. Hitting button. Flash of light. Focus on box. Lid open, empty.
Pan up. Qui-Gon, in ethereal spirit form, standing. Focus on face, dazed and confused. Jo Jo and Dooku at Qui-Gon's side.
Dooku: How are you, Padawan?
Jo Jo: How ya' doin', bwauth?
Qui-Gon: Psst. Hey Guido. It's all clear to me now.
Dooku: What is clear?
Qui-Gon: You are the keeper of the cheese... And I am the lemon merchant! Get it?
Jo Jo: Hoo hoo?
Qui-Gon: *leaning close to the two, pointing to Egon* And he knows it. That's why he's going to kill us. So we have to beat it. Yeah.
Jo Jo: Do you know what 'non compos mentis' means?
Qui-Gon: Before he sets loose the marmosets on us!
Dooku: Not of sound mind. Yes. I will agree with you on that.
Qui-Gon: Don't worry, little missy! I'll save you! *floats off and fades from view*
Isn't that great! Everyone is freed and though Qui-Gon is spouting nonsensical rubbish, it's better than hearing that stupid Banana Phone song again.
Update on the brownies, and the current lack there of. Since the actual documentation for the spice permit was destroyed, Uncle Jinn and JJ's Brownies can't use spice in their product. Worse off is that they cannot apply for a new permit without JawaJuice being present. So, no brownies for a while, my C! Snack Junkies! The prices for the remaining baked goods have skyrocketed on cBay, pulling nearly 100 credits a packet!
Well, my friends, this has been C-3P0 for Cybertainment Holovision, bringing you the Trial of the Time Period!
Cybertainment Holovision (C) XXMLXXCXX This has been a Ren Hoëk Production. Presented in Hoëkvision. Thanks to our sponsors, Wizzleteats Music, Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Women's Apparel and Eveningwear, and new Jedi LOG, with real lightsabre action!